The “Me” in the Power of “We”: Why Self-Awareness and Self-Compassion are Essential for Collective Wellbeing
In my last article, I wrote about the epidemic of loneliness slowly decimating the healthcare sector. I discussed the significance of creating connection and leaning into the power of “we.” All that remains true. There is a plethora of research around the benefits of connection in the workplace as a defense against burnout and as a foundation for engagement and retention.
Similarly, research has shown that negativity is contagious from one individual to the next (Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 20, No. 1, 2001, pp. 82–98, Burnout Contagion Among General Practitioners, Arnold B. Bakker and Wilmar B. Schaufeli, Utrecht University, The Netherlands). The fact that individuals can impact each other’s negative emotions and “infect” one another with feelings that increase burnout necessitates that we remember: in every “WE” there is a “ME.”
To create a stronger “WE,” we must be aware of what is happening in the “ME” and try to be the best version of ourselves so that we do not inadvertently negatively impact the larger “WE.” This requires a continuous process of personal growth and development. There is no “finish line.”
As physicians, reconnecting with the “me” can be challenging. Many of us work and live under a mountain of expectations and “shoulds” created by society and exacerbated by us. Being a physician is a calling for many of us. We feel honored to care for others. And because we feel this way, when we experience unsatisfying patient encounters or unforeseen outcomes that don’t resonate with “caring for others,” we can feel deep shame.
We believe that we “should” be happy with what we are doing because we have the great privilege of helping others. When that is not how we feel, we start to believe that there is something wrong with us. We feel ungrateful, guilty, and even ashamed. These are difficult emotions to carry and work through. Many of us aren’t even aware that these emotions weigh us down. And even when we are, the result is often the same: we look to the outside world to find our happiness and disconnect further from our true essence.
In this article, I discuss three practices that support us in increasing our self-awareness and understanding—our connection to ourselves—so that we can more authentically and confidently connect with others.
1. Clarifying Our Core Values
A great place to begin is with examination of our core values. Our core values are those things that drive who and how we are in the world. They fuel our being and empower us to be all that we were created to be.
Core values might be something like love, connection, service, courage, truth, security, respect, etc. As you begin to consider what your core values are, consider doing the following exercise:
1. Find a generous list of values you can peruse.
2. Take your time going through the list and circle the words that resonate
3. Once you’ve identified all the words that reflect something you value, go back through and pick your top five.
Recall a few memories when you were challenged by something in childhood. How you responded to the challenge may reveal a core value.
Consider something you can’t stand—something that really sets you off. When we feel very strongly against something, it’s often because it’s the antithesis of a core value.
4. String each of the five chosen core value words with 4–5 other words that define that value for you.
For example, if one of your core values is respect, string 5 words that define what that means to you and how it is expressed.
For me that might look like this: respect – awareness, listen, truth, kindness, humility.
5. Do not rush through this exercise.
Give yourself the gift of patience and contemplation so you can get the most out of it.
Our core values generally do not change, but depending on life stage or circumstances, one or two may be more prominent than others, or we may express them slightly differently. As we get to know ourselves better, we can peel away layers, allowing us to experience our core values with greater alignment and purpose.
When our core values are clear, we’re empowered to make decisions that uphold the best version of ourselves. This clarity provides the confidence to step into the world and connect with others without compromising our morals or our emotions. We’re better able to retain and celebrate our uniqueness within the bond of “we.”
Once we have this clarity, the next challenge is staying true to these values when our inner critic and fear get loud.
2. Quieting the Inner Judge
Next, we need to learn to quiet the voices of self‑judgement and fear in our heads. As physicians, this can be particularly difficult. Our profession and training demand “perfection.” This often gives rise to a particularly harsh inner voice that berates us whenever we “fail.” And pretty much anything can qualify as a “failure”: making a diagnostic error, not completing all charting within 24 hours, or even not wanting to join a committee that your department chair asks you to join.
Quieting our mind chatter is a skill that requires consistent practice.
One routine that I’ve integrated into my life to help build this skill is adding 30–90 second meditative moments whenever this voice of judgment is active. This type of meditative moment has been coined as PQ reps by Shirzad Chamine, the author and creator of Positive Intelligence.
PQ reps are short bursts of focused attention on a physical sense. Our mind is unable to focus on more than one thing at a time. When we focus our attention on a physical sensation, we are unable to listen to the voice of judgment. Thus, we disconnect from our mind and become present in our body in the moment. PQ reps provide a pause for us to consider what is most important and space to choose a response that aligns with our core values.
For example, let’s say that one of your core values is kindness. You are working with a colleague. You notice that your colleague is disrespectful in how he interacts with a patient. What would you do?
It’s likely that you would feel uncomfortable with the situation, but that the thought of saying something to your colleague would also feel “hard.” PQ reps would help you:
Pause and quiet the voices in your head saying it’s easier to avoid conflict and leave it alone.
Ground yourself in your core value of kindness.
Create enough space to connect with what is truly important to you and how you want to show up.
This might give you the courage to say something because it would be kind to all parties involved: your colleague, the patient, and yourself. It would be kind to your colleague because it would bring the issue to his attention. Even if he’s upset in the moment, it might prevent him from doing something similar in the future and suffering repercussions. It would give him an opportunity to examine himself and grow.
It would be kind to the patient because you would be standing up for her, even if she was not directly aware of it. And it would be kind to you because you would be upholding a core value and not compromising what you believe is right.
PQ reps allow you to quiet the voices generated by the fear of upsetting your colleague, of causing conflict, and of putting yourself “out there,” and instead choose a response aligned with your values and your best self.
Clarifying our core values shows us who we want to be. Quieting the inner judge gives us the space to live that out.
3. Practicing Self-Empathy and Unconditional Love
The final practice I’m discussing here is the most important and the most difficult: giving ourselves empathy, compassion, and unconditional love.
Self‑empathy and unconditional love are the soil on which we can grow our strengths and move toward the actualization of our greatest self. When we’re unable to access empathy and love for ourselves, we’re much more likely to get stuck in the muck of guilt, regret, and shame.
So how can we access more forgiveness, compassion, and love for ourselves?
Like everything else I’ve talked about, it is a skill we can grow. Every time the voice of self‑judgment attacks us, we can choose not to listen. Instead, we can:
Visualize ourselves as a young child, or as someone whom we deeply love.
Speak to ourselves with the same tenderness and kindness we would use for that person.
This practice will be difficult at first and might even seem silly. That’s okay. Just keep at it. Eventually, you won’t have to imagine another person to stop the barrage of negative self‑thoughts. You’ll start to naturally interrupt the inner critic with compassion.
When we stand more confidently in our own skin, listen to ourselves, and offer ourselves kindness and understanding, we’re much better equipped to do the same for others. Just as burnout and negativity can be contagious, so can grounded presence, compassion, and self‑acceptance. By tending to the “me,” we positively influence the “we.”
These are three simple practices you can integrate into your life to strengthen your self‑awareness and connection. When we can relate to ourselves this way, we’re far better prepared to drive the “WE” in the health sector, positively impact the culture of medicine, and serve those who trust us with their health.